Dark Dog of Depression

It’s like a dark dog that keeps yapping at your heels.  

Depression.

A much stigmatized word, for a very misunderstood medical condition. My previous husband has never had to suffer this, so he had no idea how to cope with mine.  The Shrink says it is part of my ADD – a sub condition of sorts.

Most days when the alarm goes off in the morning I lie in bed and instead of pulling the covers over my head (a very very strong reflex), I try to give myself a pep talk to get up.

As a way of trying to cope with depression, throughout my life, I have learned that to remember when i feel like I can’t breathe and the world is going to fall on top of me, to know the very worst that can happen to me is this

That I may die, or get locked up in prison (this is not even a remote option, I am a law abiding citizen ;)).  

Then I compare my possible day to these two scenarios – and thankfully I have no real motivation to try and jump in front of a moving anything, and I have done nothing (yet) to deserve incarceration. So I take a very deep breath, try and lift the (metaphorical) heavy stone that is resting on my chest and swing my legs off the bed to take a shower and get dressed for the day. I have no real reason to feel this way, I just do.  

This is what people around me don’t get.  The chemical mix in my brain is out of balance and has to be medicated to use the right stuff and make more of it.  But even with medication, depression still visits me very often, and i have to engage in the mental battle with the dog.

I try.  I really do. My days are filled with getting the kids ready for school, rushing off to work and then trying to sort my chaos life into less chaos so I can try and get things done.  I put a smile on my face, and clothe myself in an outgoing personality. A Saleslady, a business owner, a boss and a mom. So I take a very deep breath, try and lift the (metaphorical) heavy stone that is resting on my chest and swing my legs off the bed to take a shower and get dressed for the day.

Later I rush to pick up the kids from school, make sure we have food in the cupboards, feed the pets, the kids, and get everyone bathed and ready for bed.  I try to manage my pain (neck fusions and shoulder issues) and then I stress late into the night about processes, procedures, finances, the wellbeing of my children, the state of our country in general, and so insomnia is my other friend.

Unfortunately Depression feeds on insomnia and so the vicious cycle continues. I have had a rough few years since the birth of my son (when I was 35) and suffered a few operations and conditions.  I’m out of shape, I have “compensatory sweating”, and I suffer from GERD.

Of course I am out of my mind, it’s a dark and scary place in there!!! 🙂

This year I’m going to get somebody to come around and pick me up at home, and force me to take a daily walk around the block to at least start taking measures.  I believe the best combatant for depression is eating healthy (I don’t), exercising (I don’t) and taking your medication (at least I have 1 out of 3).  So let’s see what 2012 will bring.  

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